General Hogwarts
by SWD18
Summary: A soap opera version of the Marauder era at Hogwarts! Complete with romance, betrayal, evil twins, and that darn dramatic music! Spoof from General Hospital. Joint fic by SHGrey18 and Samdum the Bouncing Hobbit.
1. Series Premiere Sirius PMS's

**Disclaimer: We don't own anything, so don't sue us.**

A/N: This is a random creation thought up by myself and Samdum the Bouncing Hobbit during a two-hour car trip from Maine to New Hampshire. This is to be read like a soap opera! Uhhh, enjoy! This was originally posted on SHGrey18's account, but has now been moved here to our joint account, SWD18. Thanks:) Oh, the format of the commercials has been changed to avoid conflicts . . . basically they're the same, just not in script format!

General Hogwarts

_Pilot Episode- Sirius PMS's_

Lily walked down the hall arm in arm with Sirius Black. They were surrounded by a crowd of adoring friends. Absent from that crowd of friends was one James Potter (dramatic moody bad-guy music plays as the camera pans over to James). No, James was sulking in a corner. He had formerly been Sirius's best friend, until they'd had a falling out over Lily.

_Flashback (fuzzy dream sequence edge is around the screen)_

"_Sirius! How could you!" Sirius shrugged._

"_It just came out before I knew what I said," (dramatic sad music)._

"_But Sirius, I love her! You knew that!"_

"_James, I- I'm sorry, but-"_

"_Sorry? I've been secretly pining for years over the only woman I've ever loved, and you just asked her out! And you're sorry!"_

_End Flashback_

"Gosh, Lily," Adoring Friend #3 said, "you're really pretty." Lily smiled and blushed modestly.

"Thanks." Sirius turned to her.

"Lily! Is this what I think it is?"

"What?"

"Aha! You admit it! It is!"

"Is what?"

"You're secretly going out with-"

Commercial Break!

"Do your kids not eat their greens? Are you tired of forcing broccoli down their throats?" (Shows black and white photo of veggies).

"Timmy, eat your broccoli," says a concerned looking mother.

"But I don't wanna!"

"Introducing new . . . CHEESE! (Color picture of cheese-covered broccoli) A great way to make any healthy green taste better and load your kid with fat! Mmmmm, cheese!"

"Your secretly going out with-" dramatic music plays, "him?" Sirius pointed at Adoring Friend #3. Lily starts crying.

"No, Sirius! I promise, I'm not!"

"Erm . . ." Adoring Friend #3 looks nervous. Lily gives him a "don't say anything" look behind Sirius's back (dramatic scandal music plays).

"That's it, Lily," Sirius had started sobbing, "I've had enough, we're through!"

"No, Sirius!" Sirius nodded. As he started to walk away, he pulled a chocolate bar out of his pocket. "Wait a minute . . . crying, mood swings, chocolate, you've got all the symptoms of . . . PMS!" Sirius froze where he was.

"Uh . . ."

"Sirius, is there something you need to tell me?"

"Lily, I'll be truthful with you. That surgery I got last week, it wasn't appendicitis."

"You mean you're really a . . . a . . ."

"Yes, a woman!" There was a group gasp and Lily ran away crying. Remus jumped out of the crowd of adoring friends.

"Aha! Now it's out! I was covering up for you, but no longer!" He looked at the crowd and the authors. "See! I _told_ you I wasn't a woman!"

Join us next week for a new episode of General Hogwarts! To be continued . . .


	2. Lily's Next Love Interest

**Disclaimer: Yes, we own Harry Potter! MUUUUUUUAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! Give us money! No, actually, we're quite poor, which makes us quite sad, especially since we don't own Harry Potter. We also don't own General Hospital (THANK GOD). And Mr Morey owns himself! We don't!**

_Episode Two- Lily's Next Love Interest_

Previously on General Hogwarts:

_James: Sirius!_

_Sirius: Lily!_

_Lily: Sirius!_

_Adoring Friend #3: Uhh . . ._

Tears began to well up in Lily's eyes as she stood in her crowd of adoring friends, and she looked as if life as she knew it was over. "Sirius . . . life as I know it is over! I thought I loved you! I thought what we had was special! And now you tell me, you tell me . . . you're a lesbian! How could you!" Lily cried for a moment, and then became very agitated when her adoring friends just stared at her. "Hello! I've been through an-an emotionally scarring p-point in my life! Where are my-my adoring friends when I need them most? I suppose you all d-don't want to get paid for this episode . . ." Immediately, all the adoring friends ran over to console Lily and call Sirius a lot of nasty names.

"Lily . . . it's not like that! I never meant to hurt you!"

"B-but you did, Sirius! I can't go out with you anymore! You broke my heart, Sirius. I will never be able to love another man . . . er, or woman." As Lily spoke, rather depressing music started to play seemingly out of nowhere.

_This is my chance to go out with my beloved angel, _thought James, who remained sitting in a corner because he thought it made him look dark and imposing. _But of course, not just any man could melt that heart of stone. It could take months, even years, for Lily's heart to mend, and I'm going to be there every step of the way._

Suddenly there was a loud clamor from the center of the flock of adoring friends. James popped out of his darkness and imposingness and saw to his surprise-

Commercial Break!

(Opens up to a modern day history classroom):

"Mr. Morey, what's so important about dumb Lewis and Clark?" says Bobby.

"They're booooring!" says Susie.

"What did they do that was so important?" says Billy.

"You kids aren't thinking of something very important to your lives!" says the great Mr. Morey.

"Play-doh?"

"Pudding?"

"Raisins?"

"Nope! Lewis and Clark ate pure lard on their famous journey, and made it famous!" says the wise Mr. Morey.

"Lewis and Clark are wicked awesome!"

"Pay your tribute to American history . . . eat pure lard!"

James popped out of his darkness and imposingness and saw to his surprise Remus with his lips locked to Lily's!

_A Few Moments Earlier ( fuzzy edges around the screen)_

_As the adoring friends surrounded Lily, Remus walked over and put his arm around the red-head's shoulders. "Please don't cry, Lily. Everything will be alright."_

"_H-how can y-you say that at a time like this?"_

"_You have such lovely eyes, it would be a shame to have them get bloodshot." Lily immediately stopped crying and looked deeply into Remus's eyes._

"_Oh, Remus!" she cried. She proceeded to throw her arms passionately around his neck and started to swap spit. Remus happily went along, as he had no current love interest._

_Present (end fuzzies)_

"No!" shrieked James, but no one heard him over the many cat calls of the adoring fans. He felt deep hatred run through his veins like he had never felt before. All of a sudden, Sirius was standing next to him. "Sirius," he whispered, "I need your help to," he paused for dramatic effect, and began again when suspenseful music played, "murder Remus."

"I thought you hated me for dating Lily!" he said as if that were the gravest part of James's request instead of the actual murder. He then raised his eyebrows and opened his mouth as wide as it seemed he possibly could. "Did you try to kill me, too, James?" Tears were streaming down his cheeks in a matter of seconds.

"Geesh, Lily was right . . . you are PMSing, Sirius! But no, the writers didn't think it was good for the drama at the time to kill you. Now, here are the details . . ."

To Be Continued . . .


	3. The Fate of Remus Lupin

**Disclaimer: We own a computer, a note book, and a pen. That's it. No Harry Potter, no General Hospital. We are broke, and we are sad. :( But we also own pumpkin pie-flavored fudge, which makes it a little better and isn't as nasty as it sounds.**

_Episode Three- The Fate of Remus Lupin_

Previously on General Hogwarts...

_Sirius: Lily!_

_James: Sirius..._

_Lily: Remus!_

The next day after having been given the details of how they would murder Remus, Sirius walked up to James. James rubbed his hands together maniacally.

"Are you ready for this, Sirius?" He grinned evilly.

"James, I'm starting to have second thoughts about this." James took him by the front of his shirt.

"Padfoot! Our former supposed 'friend' is somewhere in the castle sucking face with _our_ love interest!"

"No! Not that!" He straitened out his shirt. "I mean this whole being a woman thing. I had such killer cramps last night and...well...this morning..."

"Focus, Sirius!" This was too disturbing for James to cope with, so he chose to ignore it. He could deal with Sirius's "joys of womanhood" later. "Now he has Charms class, so he should be coming this way soon." Sirius looked over off-stage because he forgot his lines.

"Remus enters SL," he reads in monotone.

"That's not your line, idiot! That's my cue!" Remus calls from offstage.

"Oh, oops." (Sitcom invisible audience laugh) "Hey! Wrong genre!" As Remus entered, dramatic suspense music played.

"Hey guys! What's up? You know, Padfoot, Lily just told me the creepiest thing about you. Hey, what are you guys doing!" Remus slowly backed away as James and Sirius advanced on him.

Commercial Break!

A man in a kilt walks in. He's carrying a plate of haggis. He starts reciting the Address to the Haggis.

"Gie her a Haggis!" The words "Eat Loch Ness Haggis" flashes across the screen in bright colors.

"Celebrate Scottish heritage. Eat more Haggis." (A/N: S I couldn't come with anything good for a haggis commercial. So sue me. Brain farts are EVIL!)

James and Sirius bound and gagged Remus and dragged him over to a conveniently placed pair of elevator doors. James laughed evilly as dramatic villain music plays in the background. He looked at Remus.

"Any last words, Remus _old pal_?" he asked tauntingly.

"Mmmmffffmmph!" (Translation: "You're going to kill me! _Why_ are you going to kill me!" Boy, he's a bright one, isn't he?)

"I thought not. MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Sirius suddenly doubled over in pain.

"Oww! These are some killer cramps!" He was now on all fours, still doubled over, and moaning in pain. "Sorry, James, I'll be with you in a minute," He said, trying, and failing, to stand up. James rolled his eyes.

"Oh, forget it! I'll do it myself!"

News anchor/Soap Network Representative: We interrupt this suspenseful, heart-wrenching moment to bring you this news bulletin (and also to protect the delicate psyches of Lupin lovers in the audience). The character of Remus Lupin has left the show because he asked for a rai–I mean, was pushed down an elevator shaft!

Lupin-enamored Audience Members: Remus! Nooo!

Adoring Friend #3: (offstage) Yes! Erm...I mean, how sad.

News anchor/Soap Network Representative: We now return you to your normally scheduled program.

"MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I did it! I KILLED REMUS LUPIN!" Sirius, having gotten over his bout of cramps, stood up.

"Uhhh, Prongs?"

"Yes, Padfoot?"

"You might not want to shout that in the presence of a teacher." Professor McGonnagall was striding briskly down the hall toward them. Sirius looked down the elevator shaft at the body. "Where did this elevator shaft come from, anyway?"

_To Be Continued..._


	4. Minerva's Dark Past

**Disclaimer: We own everything! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA! Send us money! You must send us money before you read this! MWAHAHA...Ha...ha...ha. Ahem, I know we already did that as a disclaimer, I just felt like doing it again. I ranted more than SHGrey18 did so there. :p We don't own this and never will. Stop rubbing it in!**

_Episode Four: Minerva's Dark Past_

Previously on General Hogwarts:

_James: Remus!_

_Remus: Jaaaaammmmmes!_

_Sirius: McGonagall!_

_McGonagall: Black! Potter!_

As Professor McGonagall came closer and closer to the scene of the murder, James and Sirius hastily closed the elevator doors and stood in front of them. James tried to look cool and collected, while Sirius looked nothing short of a nervous wreck.

"Potter, Black! What are you two doing here next to the school's empty elevator shaft?" A look of sudden revelation came across her face. "No! I would never have thought that the two of you would be capable of something so gruesome, so cruel, so..." Sirius was now sobbing harder than Lily had ever done in her life (which was really saying something), and found that he could not keep the truth hidden any longer.

"It was all true, Professor!" When Sirius began his very emotional confession, dramatic and sappy music begins to play on an invisible violin. "James and I, we--we--cornered Remus, and sent him to his ultimate doom down the elevator shaft!" A large and uniform gasp is heard from behind the set. "It was a crime of passion, a murder of rage! Because of our conflicting love for the beautiful Lily Evans, a friendship that Might have lasted through the ages was cut tragically short. However, my relationship with James is much stronger than that, and he will remain by my side as we are subjected to your cruel punishment!" During this long and heart-wrenching speech, a look of disgust and horror had come to James's face.

"He lies! The truth is, he hypnotized me into aiding him in his evil scheme! I couldn't control myself! Believe me, I wanted to!" James was attempting to produce tears, but as they were not naturla like Sirius's, he decided to make his voice sound shaky and scrunch his face.

"Traitor! You just used me to do your dirty work!" It was a wonder that Sirius was still conscious with the hysterical state he was in.

"Don't you understand, you fool? I've been using you all along!" The music becomes very climatic, and James finally gives up his useless frightened act to put on the tough-guy act. Through all of this, though, Professor McGonagall's face had gone from terror to relief.

"Well, you boys just run along, then! It's not safe to play near empty elevator shafts, now, is it?" As the two wizards shrug and find nothing suspicious about the professor's shaky laughter, an annoyed stage whisper is heard from backstage.

"Sirius: 'Professor, why is there an empty elevator shaft at Hogwarts?'"

Sirius suddenly remembered his line, and gave the thumbs up to stage right. "Sirius: Professor, why is there an empty elevator shaft at Hogwarts?" The distinctive noise of someone pounding their head against a wall can be heard. As a shrill accusing soundtrack begins, Minerva McGonagall-

Commercial Break!

(Opens up in a crowded movie theatre).

"I'm hungry! What do you guys want for a snack?" says Molly.

"Shhhh!" says a rude and random guy at the theatre.

"We could have popcorn!" says Benny.

"Shut up, will ya!" says the same rude and random guy.

"Or soda!" (A/N: which is NOT pop! cringe) says Polly. The Random Guy gets very frustrated at his lack of attention, and makes many nasty gestures toward the kids.

"What about candy?" asks Lenny. Random Guy is now slowly walking towards them with a bunch of sharp, pointy objects.

"You guys are forgetting the best snack food of all!" says Holly

"What?" ask all of Holly's little friends. Random Guy is frothing at the mouth and is about to strike.

"Spam, of course!" says Holly very matter-of-factly.

"How could we forget? Did you bring some?" says the little friends.

"Yuppers!" Random Guy is now quite peppy and excited.

"Gee, can I have some?" says the formerly rude but still random guy.

"Sure!"

Share Spam...make new friends!

(A/N: We don't own Spam. Not even one solitary can of it.)

As a shrill, accusing soundtrack begins, Minerva McGonagall suddenly looks very cross and snaps her fingers.

"It was you, wasn't it, Professor? _You_ put the elevator shaft there!" shouted James, who was pointing an accusing finger at McGonagall.

"But why?" said Sirius, biting his (her?) fingernails with anticipation.

"It's all coming together now," said James, giving his voice a mysterious tone and pacing around his teacher. "You weren't concerned about the death of one of your students! All you seemed to care about was that Sirius and I were near the elevator shaft! My guess is that you," James paused, just because he could, "have put something down there yourself!"

"A Jesse McCartney poster!" squealed Sirius. James and Minerva look over at Sirius with a very disturbed expressions while Sirius just shrugged. It took a few moments for James to get over his twitches and regain his composure.

"And that something is...a body!"

"It couldn't be!" gasped Sirius.

"But it is! All evidence points to her."

Sirius thought for a moment, and then said, "Well, if it is true, that means there's only one way out of this situation..."

"Blackmail!" said James and McGonagall in unison, both pointing at each other.

Tune in next week fro a new episode of General Hogwarts!


	5. What Lily's Been Doing This Entire Time

**Disclaimer: Own nothing. Shut up.**

_Episode Five: Who's Down the Shaft and What Lily's Been Doing_

Previously on General Hogwarts:

_McGonagall: Potter! Black!_

_Stage Hand: Sirius:_

_Sirius: Jesse McCartney!_

While everything in the previous episode had been going on, Lily had been looking for her belovèd Remus. She searched everywhere for him, but couldn't find him (hmm, I wonder why). She briefly paused in her search to reflect on how odd yesterday had been. Sirius was a woman and she was dating his best friend (or, at least, one of them. She'd never go out with that Potter guy). Upon thinking about this, she started to wonder about Remus...

While wondering about Remus, Lily had started walking again. She was so lost in thought that she didn't see the stairs in front of her. With the first step, she tripped, and tumbled down the rest, nothing but a blur of firey red. The dramatic falling-down-stairs music started to swell to a great climax. A pair of strong arms caught her at the bottom. A pale hand gently brushed her hair out of her face.

Severus Snape looked down at Lily and his heart gave a little jump. So James Potter thought he was the only one who had (not so) secretly pined away for Lily, did he? Well he was wrong. The thing was, Severus _knew_ he had about a one-in-a-million chance with her. But as he looked into her eyes, and she looked into his, he felt that maybe, just maybe, this was his chance.

"You...you...you saved me, Severus," Lily said breathlessly. Sappy, romantic music began to play.

"Yeah," Severus said dazedly. "I guess I did." He helped her up. "So," (sad, depressing music) "I suppose you'd better go find Remus. He'll be glad to know that you're alright."

"Hmm? Remus?" Lily was distracted by Severus's greasy chiseled features and rugged good looks. "Remus who?"

"Please don't do that, Lily," Severus said, hurt. "You know who Remus is. He's your boyfriend and you love him." It pained him to say this.

"No, Severus," (dramatic, soppy love music) "I never knew what love was until now." She fell into his arms and shared such passionate kisses as the romantic music swelled to a dramatic climax.

McGonagall and James were still pointing at each other when Lily walked by on the arm of one Severus Snape. James's jaw dropped. McGonagall let out a small, surprised "oh my."

"Have you seen Remus?" Lily asked Sirius, who looked suddenly quite nervous and suspicious.

"Nope. Not at all. Haven't seen him all day," she/he said quickly. "Why do you ask?" She/he gave a nervous laugh.

"Because, if you see him, tell him that I said it's over. I've found someone far more manly." She smiled up at Severus (who couldn't build muscle if he tried), who smiled grasily back, then shot a maliciously triumphant look at James when Lily wasn't looking.

"Come on, Lily," he said, leading her away. James turned and banged his head on the elevator doors.

"Snivellus-ow!-Snape? She's going (ow) out with _Snivellus Snape!_ Could this series get any worse!"

"Yes, it can. And it will," said the omnicient narrators' voices. James looked up at the ceiling.

"Could you give him a brain tumour or something? Pretty please?"

"No! Quit trying to mess with the plot and read the teleprompter!" James grumbled and read the teleprompter.

"Wait, what are we black mailing you for Professor?"

"Well, I-"

Commercial Break!

The following is a public service announcement and should be taken seriously.

(Frodo, Gollum, HannahCimsGwendolyn, Sir Gallahad, and Voldemort walk in)

"Have you ever touched a shiney object?" asks Gollum.

"We did. And our lives were never the same," says Frodo

"My friend is forever more convinced that I'm trying to kill her because of a shiney lever," says Hannah, the amazing co-author.

"Our Precious was so bright, so shiney. We are now but a hollow shell of ourselves. And We fell into lava, Precious. Yes, We did," says Gollum.

"Gollum bit off my finger for a shiney object," says Frodo sadly.

"I must forever hide from my followers that the prophecy itself was of no importance, but the ball holding it was so shiney..." says Voldemort.

"Actually, I never touched shiney objects, but because of a Grail-shaped beacon, Lancelot had to save me from very perilous peril. Also, because of a shiney object, I got tossed over the Bridge of Death," says Sir Gallahad.

"Take a stand. Talk to your kids about the dangers of shiney objects."

"Well, I killed Albus Dumbledore!" Minerva began sobbing as the scandal music played.

"What?" James was confused.

"Yes. I killed him. You see, we were secretly having an affair," James and Sirius cringed, twitched, and resisted the urge to vomit, "and, well, last night we got a huge fight. Albus threatened to reveal our love. I couldn't have that, since it would mean too much paperwork if he got a brain tumour, so I...I...I pushed him down the elevator shaft!"

"But, I saw Professor Dumbledore this morning," Sirius sadi. "And he looked perfectly fine to me. How can he be down there," she/he jearked his/her head towards the elevator, "if I saw him alive and kicking this morning?"

"Albus's brother, Aberforth, got plastic surgery to look like Albus. And he's a very talented actor. So nobody but you two are none the wiser."

"Oh."

"Now, you will tell me what _you two_ are hiding down there," Minerva pulled out her wand. Dangerous evil villian music plays. "And pay the consequences."

"Don't you mean _or_ pay the consequences?" James asked.

"No, I mean _and_ pay the consequences."

"Oh. Okay then."

"AAAAAAHHHHHH!" both teenagers screamed.

_To be continued..._


	6. Enter Tom Riddle

**Disclaimer: We do not own Harry Potter, J.K. Rowling does, plain and simple. We also do not own Walter Cronkite, Walter Cronkite does, plain and simple.**

A/N: Shout out to the Patron Saint. SHGrey18 used your swim cap idea in this episode.

_Episode Six: Enter Tom Riddle_

_Previously on General Hogwarts:_

Severus: Lily!

Lily: Severus.

Minerva: Albus!

Albus: (dead people can't talk, silly!)

As James and Sirius continued to scream, James suddenly remembered an event from two episodes previously, and stopped making a spectacle of himself.

"Uh, Professor Mc-" James is interrupted by Sirius's continued screaming and hyperventilating. "Profess-" James is beginning to get frustrated, and shoots dirty looks at Sirius. "Professor McGonagall, I- SIRIUS, YOU CAN STOP NOW!" Sirius stopped, and glanced at James with a tinge of hurt.

James, you know my emotions are a bit high-strung right now! I could use some respect!" A slightly pitiful tune comes on. "AND WHERE IS THAT FREAKIN' MUSIC COMING FROM? It's been driving me crazy all day!"

"Sirius, can it, will you? Do you feel like dying?" At a small shake of the head from a teary-eyed Sirius, James continued. "Professor McGonagall, I think Sirius and I told you in episode four who we pushed down the elevator shaft." Minerva lowered her wand and looked a bit confused.

"Oh. Right. That does kind of ruin the dramatic effect, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, just a bit." James thought for a minute, and said, "We won't blackmail you if you don't blackmail us."

The professor considered this offer, and then shook hands with James. "Agreed. Now run along, boys!"

"Hey Sirius," James said as they walked down the hall in the opposite direction from Professor McGonagall, "did you get all of that on your secret spy camera hidden in your conviently placed fanny pack?"

"Yeah. Can I take it off now, though? I think it makes me look fat."

While Sirius and James came up with ways to blackmail their transfiguration teacher, Lily and Severus could be found snogging behind a bookshelf in the library. Little did they know that their make-out session would soon be interuptted by something no one had predicted . . .

Commercial Break!

"Are you tired of your hair?" asks Haley the Hairdresser/Telemarketer.

"Yes!" shouts a bunch of girls with long, curly hair.

"Do you wish your hair could be "groovy" and "hip"?" asks Haley the Hairdresser/Telemarketer.

"Yes!" says a bunch of teenage boys with spiffy, spiked hair.

"Do you want to go streaking at the Super Bowl?" asks Haley the Hairdresser/Telemarketer.

"Yes!" shouts Walter Cronkite rather randomly.

"Uhhhh . . ."

"Sorry about that! Back to this infomercial! Do you wish you could be bald?" asks Haley the Hairdresser/Telemarketer.

"Of course!" replies everyone, except for Walter Cronkite.

"Then buy a swim cap! Guaranteed to make anyone with hair look bald (well, sort of)!"

"Yippee!" exclaims everyone, except for Walter Cronkite.

"Swim caps are availible in the exciting and varied colors of white and off-white. Become popular and preppy in no time with a fabulous new swim cap!"

As Lily and Severus made out behind a bookshelf in the library, they encountered someone they never would have guessed.

_-Flashback (you know the drill)-_

_(Opens up to the Hogwarts library in 1946 in the exact spot where Lily and Severus were in 1977)_

_Tom Riddle is putting the final touches on a biggie-sized time-turner that is spitting green sparks everywhere. He jumps in surprise when Albus Dumbledore (who at this point is alive and kicking) walks into the same aisle. Tom quickly stands in front of the time-turner._

_"Hello, Tom. What are you doing?" He looked in a suspicious manner towards the student._

_"Uhhhhh, I'm just, ummmmm, doing research for-for a project!" Tom stuttered. He hoped Dumbledore wouldn't notice all of the shiney green sparks coming from behind him in a very conspicuous manner._

_"What kind of project?"_

_"Ummmmm . . . one where I figure out different ways to save endangered species of cute, fuzzy bunnies?" Dumbledore looked at Tom skeptically, and then moved on. As soon as he was out of earshot, Tom started laughing maniacally. "Muuuuuuaaaaaahhhhh! Soon my evil scheme will be complete, and I can time-travel thirty-one years into the future and take over the world!" He started to grin evilly, and waited for his evil music to start. Instead, the soundsystem that General Hogwarts uses had a technical malfunction and started playing the theme to Elmo's World._

_"LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA Elmo's World!"_

_"What the-" Tom gave a shudder._

_"LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA Elmo's World!"_

_"Oh my Lord-" Tom was now freaking out._

_"Elmo loves his goldfish, his crayon, too!"_

_"Make it STOP!" At this stage he was convulsing._

_""That's Elmo's WOOOOOORRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLD!" As the music ceased, Tom gave a sigh of relief and got busy before the music started again. Before long, he finished, and found his way to Lily and Severus's snogfest._

_-End Flashback-_

"Aahh!" shrieked Severus when he saw Tom. Lily, however, looked up at him with a look of curiosity.

"You shall be the first two to die!" screamed Tom.

"No! I won't let you kill Lily!" yelled Severus, jumping to his feet and trying to look heroic.

"Wait, Severus," said Lily just above a whisper as she looked dreamily at Tom. "Please don't kill us . . . me . . .?" she said, waiting for Tom to fill in his name.

"Tom. Tom Riddle. And who do I have the pleasure of meeting today?" Tom's expression had changed from malevolent to gentle when he had looked down at Lily.

"I'm Lily Evans, and this is my ex-boyfriend, Severus Snape."

"Lily, if you become my evil queen and love me until eternity, I'll spare your life."

"Why, of course! Anything for such a noble, kindhearted man such as yourself!" Throughout this, Severus had a look of dumbfoundment on his face.

"But-but Lily! What about us?" Lily scoffed.

"You are so last episode, Severus." Tom began to raise his wand.

"Wait, don't I get to live?" Severus looked desperate now. Tom shrugged, and looked questioningly over at Lily.

"On what conditions should we let him live, my dear Miss Evans?"

"Hmm." Lily thought for a moment. "How about if he becomes your slave?"

"Sounds good to me." Snape looked absolutely horrified.

Tune in next time for General Hogwarts!

A/N: This is Samdum. Since nobody loves us sniff, sob and nobody's reviewed since chapter four, I'm going to write something myself. Mostly directed toward Hannah, as she wrote this chapter. Some of it might be directed toward the audience, so keep your eyes peeled. Ahem...

Dear Hannah,

I _knew_ I shouldn't have said Walter Kronkite! Why didn't you tell me that he was going to streak at the Super Bowl! Now I'm going to have nightmares, thanks very much! La la la la, la la la la, Samdum's world! (it's scarier than Elmo's World, trust me. Sometimes, even _I _don't want to go in there!) Ummm...there was more I wanted to say, but I forgot. But, seeing as you're here, I'll just turn and tell you if I think of it.

Thank you for your kindness,

Fondly Ever yours,

Samdum the Bouncing Hobbit Yurgensen (runs away, screaming, from the evil CD)

Dear Readers,

Why haven't you reviewed! You're reading it, we know you are, you're just not reviewing. It is our theory that our friends on the alert list live on the other side of the world as us. In which case, those of you on the review list are forgiven. But people on our side of the Prime Merridean, YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE! Please review, pretty please? Exceptions are funerals, weddings, birthday parties you just couldn't get out of, sickness, death (of yourself), and threat of death. All others have no excuse. Please review us. We feel very lonely.

Hannah: Please excuse Samdum. She gets pretty desperate sometimes, even though we just posted our last chapter this afternoon! I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter!

Yeah, hi, back to me! For people on our side of the Merridean that one or more of the special exceptions apply to, you have no excuse! Excused, you are not! Please review us. pouts

Also, I have a new fic: Sometimes Love Needs a Little Help. (HP) fluffy one-shot. Also, please check out my other fics (as well as Hannah's, but these ones are my solos): The Only One He Ever Loved (HP, Lily/Tom Riddle), One Known Terror (LotR, OC/Elrohir a bit, mostly annoying little sister), and For Mercutio (Shakespeare, obviously. Mercutio/OC). If you read any of them, please review. I hand out cookies and/or cheese. Yay, self advertisement! Okay, I'm done with my notoriously long author's note.

Most sincerely, warmest wishes,

Samdum the Bouncing Hobbit Fleckenhiemer (screams and runs away again)

P.S. If anybody knows if pure-blood kids went to some sort of wizarding elementary school, please let us know. Because, you know, if you don't learn like Algebra and stuff, life's gonna be very hard. Maybe they have an algebra class at Hogwarts that J.K. Rowling never tells us about. Hmmm...


	7. Unlikely Alliances

**Disclaimer: The monkey, although he can go anywhere, does not own Harry Potter. And so, therefore, neither do we. And for the monkey reference, we don't own Weeble and Bob, either.**

_Episode Seven: Unlikely Alliances_

Previously on General Howarts:

_Lily: Tom!_

_Severus: Lily!_

_Tom: Severus . . ._

Suddenly, Lily was very different now that she was Tom's evil queen. She kept her hair down and over her shoulders, wore only tight black clothes, and applied heavy black makeup. All on Tom's orders, of course, but Lily wasn't complaining. Tom had, in a matter of minutes, ousted the teachers (or most of them, anyway) and enslaved the Hogwarts student populace, and he and Lily reigned supreme.

Sirius and James, however, were completely oblivious to the change, seeing as it had taken place in a few minutes. They walked merrily down the hall, discussing how they could blackmail McGonagall with the secret tape. They also discussed how Sirius was regretting becoming a woman, and how he could go back to just being a rather effeminate man.

"You know, Prongs, I don't _really_ like Jesse McCartney," Sirius admitted.

"And this is bad because . . . ?"

"Good point."

"Psssst!" came a whisper from a dark corner. The two looked around.

"Who's there?" James said. Severus stepped out of the shadows. "You!" James growled through gritted teeth, rolling up his sleeves and advancing on him. Sirius caught him by the shoulders.

"No, Prongs!" James tried to get away.

"Don't try to stop me, Padfoot! You know what he did!"

"I know, I know, but can't you hear the conspiracy music? He's obviously got a proposition for us."

"He's right, Potter," Severus said in his oiliest voice yet. "It wouldn't be in your best interest to shove me down an elevator shaft just yet . . ."

"Elevator shaft? Gracious, no! That's too quick! I'm thinking of filing some paperwork for a brain tumor! Please?" he added to the ceiling, which remained silent.

"Why are you talking to the ceiling, Potter?"

"Because that's where the narrators' voices live. Sirius knows what I'm talking about, don't you Padfoot?" Sirius shook his head slowly.

"Sorry, James. I haven't a clue."

"Oh, come on! You even asked yourself where the music was coming from!"

"Of course I did." Sirius patted his shoulder consolingly. "So, what's your proposition, Snivelly?"

"I say we form a secret society in a revolt against the Dark Lord Tom." The other two looked blankly at him.

"Who?" Sirius asked.

"The Dark Lord Tom? The guy that's taken over the school, that dark lord?" They both blinked at him. Severus sighed exasperatedly. "The guy that stole Lily," he said, very blasé.

"Grrrr," James growled.

"I'll take that as a yes. You in, Black?"

"In what?" Tom asked, striding around a corner.

"My Lord, I-"

Commercial Break!

"I'm bored," says Girl #1.

"Me, too. I wish we had something exciting to do," says Girl #2 (a pair of pants magically appear with a perky "ping")

"Wow!" exclaims both girls.

"_My _pants have a zipper!" (holds up a pair of jeans)

"_My _pants have buttons!" (holds up a pair of khakis)

"Pants, never leave the house without them!"

Severus fell to his knees , pulling Sirius and James with him. He bowed his head. Sinister villain music played.

"My Lord, I-"

"You see?" James shrieked. "There it is! There's the stalker music!" Crazy-people music (and sound effects) started playing from out of nowhere. "Stop that!" James screamed at the ceiling.

"Guards," Lily said lazily, "silence the screaming crazy person, will you." Two random Slytherin seventh years bound and gagged James.

"Dispose of him," Tom commanded.

"No! Wait!" Lily said quickly. She then regained her composure. "This one amuses me."

"Then he's yours, my love," Tom said with an evil smile. "Now, you, Greasy Slave, what were you talking about with Crazy Monkey Boy-"

"Hey!"

"-and . . ." he paused to think of an insulting name for the third one. "And Short, Quiet, and Ugly?"

"That's the best you can come up with?" Sirius scoffed.

"How dare yo speak to me! Crucio!" Sirius writhed in pain. "Come on, Slave, out with it! You were conspiring against me, weren't you?"

"No, my Lord," Severus said, while at the same time, Sirius said "yes" and James said "blue."

"Well, which is it? Yes, no, or blue?" They all then switched answers. Severus was "blue," Sirius was "no," and James was "yes." Sirius managed to speak up before the others could switch answers.

"What we meant was _maybe_, yeah, _maybe_ . . . blue!"

"Blue what?"

"We...can't tell you. It's erm...a...surprise." Tom raised an eyebrow and the others spun around to stare at Sirius

"A surprise? A surprise what?"

"Well, that would ruin the surprise." James and Severus blinked blankly.

"Yeah," James said slowly. "The surprise. That's it, a surprise." James nodded vigorously and Snape agreed hesitantly.

"Well, you'll just have to tell me what it is." The Dark Lord Tom (that doesn't sound as cool as Voldemort, does it?) was slowly drawing his wand.

"All we can say..." Sirius said slowly. "Is that we were having an argument over whether...blue would go with...your...eyes? Yeah. If blue would go with your eyes. And our conclusion is...maybe."

"Hah!" Tom laughed loftily. "You pathetic fools! Of _course_ blue goes with my eyes, you silly persons!"

"Oh, well then, that settles it." He turned to James and Severus. "I _told _you. I told them," he added, turning to Tom.

What exactly is blue? Why is James the only one that hears the music? Will Severus ever get rid of all that grease? Tune in to General Hogwarts next time to find out! Or...erm...the time after that, we're not really sure.

"You SEE!" James shouted through the blackness of the screen right before the commercial. "There it is again!"

"Of course it is," Sirius's calm, soothing, and slightly condecending voice says.


	8. The Rise of the Death Munchers

**Disclaimer: We do not own Harry Potter, Girl Scouts, Krispy Kreme Donuts (very long story . . . the tune for the song in the commercial is based on the one used by band members at my old middle school to try to sell Krispy Kreme Donuts) or Monty Python (see if you can find the Holy Grail connection!).**

A/N: This commercial is for you, EmmaHermione1Fan!

_Episode Eight: The Rise of the Death Munchers_

Previously on General Hogwarts:

_Lily: Tom!_

_Tom: Short, Quiet, and Ugly?_

_James: Blue!_

As James got over his bout of craziness, a shiney lightbulb pops over Tom's head as he remembers why he sought out his greasy slave. "Now, Greasy Slave, Crazy Mokey Boy, and Short, Quiet, and Ugly, my Dark Queen Lily and I command you to-" Tom was interrupted by James's sudden childlike squeals of delight.

"Oh! Oh! Look, Sirius! A shiney object! Can I _please_ go touch it, Dark Lord Tom?" James was about to wet his pants out of excitement.

"James, you are _so_ dense! How could you ever expect to be my next love interest when you don't even pay attention to proven life-saving PSAs?" Lily had her hands on her hips and looked at James as if he had the intelligence of a cow. He, however, stopped acting like the crazy monkey that he was for a moment and gazed serenely at Lily with heavenly music playing serenading him. James was so caught up in the moment that he forgot to spaz about the music.

"Lily! You do have romantic feelings for me! I knew it!" As all heads swivelled over to gawk at Lily, she became very red and tried to look evil and malicious once again. The Dark Lord Tom began to go very pale, and his hand slowly started to inch toward the wand in his pocket.

"Of course, that was, umm, hypothetically speaking," stammered Lily, who was now glancing nervously at Tom. He glanced at her suspiciously for a moment, and then shrugged it off. James, however, looked flabbergasted that the moment he had been waiting for the entire series had been snatched away from him. Sirius and Severus simply looked amused that Lily had stayed with a love interest for more than one episode.

"Now, back to what the shiney lightbulb meant!" The Dark Lord Tom looked at James carefully for a moment to make sure he wouldn't get carried away by the shiney object again. He started again when Sirius and Severus made sure he was fully restrained. "Now, Greasy Slave, Crazy Monkey Boy, and Short, Quiet, and Ugly, my Dark Queen Lily and I command you to raise an army for me from the students in this school! Muaaaahaaahaaahaaa! We shall be known and feared as the-" Tom thought carefully for a moment. "-Death Munchers! Well, what do you think?"

"It could be a bit more dark and imposing. That's always good for a soap opera," suggested James.

"Crucio!" shrieked the Dark Lord Tom.

As James rolled around on the floor, Lily said, "I think it's a lovely name, Dear." Lily threw herself against him and placed her lips inches from his.

"Of course it is! I'm the Dark Lord Tom!" He gave Lily a quick peck, which made her look quite disappointed when he didn't go in for something deeper. "Now, all I need is a general."

"I think I can help you in that area," said a mysterious feminine voice from just out of view of the camera.

"Gee, look at the time! I'm late for my hair appointment!" yelled Sirius nervously.

"Umm, okay," said James as he got up from off the floor and started to dust off his pants.

"Isn't this a bit of a random time to get his hair done?" asked the Dark Lord Tom, very confused that his maliciousness wasn't being nearly as effective as he thought it would be.

"You mean 'her.' Sirius is actually a woman," answered James matter-of-factly.

"Oh. Well, that clears up a number of questions . . ."

"Why, Sirius!" spoke the voice from just out of view. Don't you even want to say hello to-"

Commercial Break!

(Screen flashes from the school hallway to a group of cheery, bright Brownie Girl Scouts)

_Silly String!_

_Silly String!_

_Won't you buy some silly string?_

_Silly String!_

_Silly String!_

_La la la la silly string!_

_SILLY STRIIIIIIING!_

"We've read the letters and taken your calls, and we have great news for everyone who supports Girl Scouts!" says a cheery Brownie Girl Scout Troop Leader.

"_Silly String-__" _begins Random Girl Scout #1.

"Not yet, Dummy!" says Random Girl Scout #2.

"For years, the Girl Scout Organization has had a yearly cookie sale, but this year, due to many, err, suggestions-"

"My cookies were moldy!" exclaims Random Girl Scout #1.

"Nobody cares! Shut up!" shouts Random Girl Scout #2.

"-we have decided to try a new and exciting product for fund-raising for our annual trip to New York City!"

"I thought we were going to Saskatchewan this year!" moans Random Girl Scout #1.

"That was to make you shut up, which is what you should be doing now!" yells Random girl Scout #2.

"This year, Girl Scouts will be selling . . . silly string! It's silly, and it's stringy, making it a great stocking stuffer for the holidays! Buy some from your local troop today!"

(As the hallway begins to reappear, the silly string song plays and fades off.)

"Why, Sirius!" spoke the voice from just out of view. "Don't you even want to say hello to your _beloved_ cousin, Bellatrix Lestrange?" Bellatrix strolled into view, and tense, shocking music came along with her.

"Wait!" shrieked the Dark Lord Tom. "You can't be my evil general if your related to Short, Quiet, and Ugly!"

"Why not! My cousin is the silly English type!" Everyone looked confused, and just stared at Bellatrix.

"Umm, what are you, then?" asked Severus.

"I'm French, of course!" she responded as if this was very obvious, and mumbled off a bunch of French-sounding words to prove her point.

"Bellatrix, you were born in Sheffield," said Sirius exasperated.

"You would be the one to know!" cried Bellatrix. "Last summer you pledged your undying faithfulness to me! Every morning I would awaken to you by my side, and every night I would fall asleep with your arms around me! Then you heard about the minuscule matter of us being cousins, and you dump me! Leave me out in the cold! Because of my ongoing depression, I have decided to become as evil as possible, to cause others as much pain as I have felt!" Bellatrix was very good with her emotions, and cried and fumed at all the right moments when the music playing was just right. Lily was looking disgusted.

"You really need to work on moving on. Variety is always a good thing."

"And, err, what's with the French accent?" asked James.

"Sirius is English! Who would want to be the same nationality as a, a . . ." Bellatrix swore under her breath for her sudden forgetfulness. "Think improv, girl," she whispered. "STUPIDHEAD!"

"Look, Bellatrix, I'm sorry, but don't you think it's just the tiniest bit disturbing to make out with your cousin, especially since that cousin is now a woman?" Sirius tried. The only response to this was a string of random French words.

"Bellatrix, I believe you have made your point. You obviously despise my slave Short, Quiet, and Ugly, so it is clear that you would go against everything he does. You're perfect for the job!"

"But, Dear-" began Lily.

"Oh, no need to be jealous, my beautiful Evil Queen! I never said that she was attractive! She merely seems loyal to my evil cause." Bellatrix had looked immensely proud of herself upon hearing about her new position, but now looked abashed, and startling revelation music clanged. She looked over at Lily as if she wanted to rip her stomach open with her bare hands and hang her entrails around the school like streamers. "Now, General Lestrange, I want you to recruit as many people as possible. The three slaves here will do your bidding, or else you have permission to do whatever you like to them. Try looking for people who are very impressionable and far too frightened to do otherwise."

"What about that silly little friend of yours, Peter?" asked Bellatrix with a snarl.

"Peter? A Death Muncher? The chances of that happening are the same as if I eventually marry Lily; our one and only son happens to be the chosen one to defeat the Dark Lord; Lily and I are murdered, but our son miraculously survives; Sirius is mistakenly sent to Azkaban, but later escapes; and Remus, even though he is dead right now, becomes the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor during our son's third year. Yeah, as if that would ever happen!" sniggered James, and everyone else had to crack a smile at the sheer impossibility of this. During this window of opportunity, Severus did something unexpected in hopes of saving his skin.

A/N: Many of reading are probably wondering what Peter has been up to during this series. Well . . .

-Meanwhile In the Gryffindor Common Room-

"Bread! Pork! Nachos! Ducks! Darn it, WHY WON'T YOU OPEN!" shouted Peter at the back of the portrait of the Fat Lady. Two girls walked in and made their way around Peter as if his lack of intelligence was contagious.

"I wonder who gave him the brain tumor?" asked the first girl.

"I think he's just naturally that way," said the other. Peter, solely focused on trying to leave the common room, did not notice them.

"Chapstick! Milk! Home improvement stores! Saxophone!

A/N: Well, for everyone who has listened to OOTP on tape, this fic gives a reason to why Bellatrix sounds French!

CA/N: (co-author's note from Samdum) It wasn't _my_ idea for the inscest thing, just so y'all know! That was from SHGrey18's own morbid mind!


	9. The Fall of the Death Munchers

**Disclaimer: Don't own Lambchop, Charlie Horse, Shari Lewis, or the Song that Never Ends, and never will. We don't own Rocket Balloons, and never will. We don't own Titanic and never will. We don't own Tom and Jerry and never will, nor do we want to. We also don't own the line, "hoppy...floppy..._bunnies_!" and never will. That's a line from the very last episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which we don't own. (SHGrey18: Wow! We don't own a lot of stuff!)**

A/N: Special thanks to FanFictionFantom for the commercial idea, and to bellachaos for the Lambchop idea. If you don't know what a vinyl is, feel free to ask. The only reason I know is because we've still got my parents' vinyls, although we had to give away the record player several years ago :(. Also, no insects or balloons were harmed in the making of this chapter.

_Episode Nine: The Fall of the Death Munchers After a Relatively Short-Lived Existence._

Previously, on General Hogwarts:

_Lily: James,_

_James: Dark Lord Tom?_

_Dark Lord Tom: Death Munchers!_

Severus seized this window of opportunity to do something unexpected to save his skin. Dramatic music was playing (and James was spazzing about it) when the vinyl scratched and the music stopped abruptly. There was a pause, then clicks, pops, and then the music began.

"_This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends! Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll just keep on singing it forever, just because..."_

"Oh, Dear Lord," Dark Lord Tom muttered, rubbing his eyes.

"_This is the song that never ends!"_ The singing was getting louder. Then, Charlie Horse, Lambchop, and Shari Lewis popped out of the bottom of the screen.

"Not again."

"Erm, again?" Lily looked back and forth from the singing sock puppets (and Shari Lewis) to her diabolically evil love interest. Severus smiled greasily at the success his plan was having. He secretly payed the sound guy when no one was looking.

"Hiya, Tom," Lambchop said, strolling up to him while the others kept singing cheerfully.

"Dear? You...um..._know_ these sock puppets?"

"Had a nasty run-in with the sheep on my way into the studio this morning."

"_...Yes, it goes on and on, my friends!"_

"I am a _lamb_, thank you, _Thomas_," Lambchop said testily.

"Don't call me that," Dark Lord Tom growled through gritted teeth. But Lambchop ignored him.

"Hence, the name _Lamb_chop!" she continued. She then proceeded to join in with the singing. The old vinyl the sound guy had rigged had the loud, out-of-tune, off-key, off-pitch voices of about 20 or so five-year-olds singing along.

"MAKE...IT...STOP!" Dark Lord Tom dropped to his knees, covering his ears.

"Hey Tom, guess what?" Charlie Horse said, making his way over to the Dark Lord. "I-I-I-I-I-I lo-o-o-o-o-ove yo-o-o-o-o-ou!" With this, Charlie hugged his neck.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He pulled out his wand and pointed it at the puppet. "Crucio!" But Charlie only squeezed his neck harder and cheerfully sang even more loudly. "That's it! I can't take it anymore!" He broke free from the fuzzy death hug and–

Commercial Break!

"They float! They fly!" (Two blue balloons take off) "They're–" (both balloons pop)

(A random techie guys comes out and blows up a yellow balloon) "Take 2!"

"They flo– "(balloon pops on a blade of grass)

(The random techie guy blows up a green one) "Take 3!"

"They float! They fly!" (balloon pops on a passing ant, killing both the ant and the balloon) "Try the red one!"

"You're the boss, boss." (Bows up the red one) "Take 4!"

"They float! They fly!" (the balloon takes off) "They're Rock–" (balloon pops on a passing gnat, killing both balloon and gnat) (growing agitated) "They're Rocket Balloons. Just buy 'em so the fat cats can further enjoy the spoils of Corporate America and you've wasted your money on something your kids don't need and will forget about in two weeks!"

He broke free from the fuzzy death hug and pulled a mini biggie-sized time-turner out of his robes.

"Lily, please forgive me." The Lambchop song had been replaced with the usual vinyl and sad music was playing. (Lambchop and co. had disappeared during the commercial break)

"Tom?" Severus was barely able to hold in his maniacal laughter.

"I can't take this anymore. I'm so sorry." Very sad music played as Tom gave a last Jack-dying-while-staring-at-Rose look, and he disappeared.

"Lily, I'm so sorry for your loss." Severus wrapped Lily in his greasy arms. Love music played, but James was too busy gaping at his former episode-long ally that he forgot to spaz about it. "I suppose time heals all wounds."

"And you, Severus." James nearly projectile vomited on the now happy couple at the sticky, sickly-sweetness of this.

"I'm so emotional," Sirius said, blowing his nose.

_Meanwhile..._

"YAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"What's the matter, Tom?" Dumbledore asked calmly.

"Bunnies! Hoppy...floppy..._bunnies!_" Tom was standing on one of the tables, not unlike Tom's (the cat's) owner in the old Tom and Jerry cartoons.

"I thought it might help you with your research." Dumbledore smiled serenely.

_Back in 1977..._

"Well, that was a close one," James said as Lily and Severus kissed passionately.

"What was?" Sirius asked.

"The Dark Lord Tom."

"Dark Lord who?" Conspiracy music was played.

"See! Music!"

"Okay. Who gave James the brain tumor?" Sirius demanded.

_Is James crazy?...or does he really have a brain tumor? Will he ever be Lily's love interest? Tune in to General Hogwarts to find out..._


	10. The Wonderful Brain Tumor

**Disclaimer: YourXFirefly would like it to be known that she is (most) of the brainchild behind the silly string song ( she was in the band that made it up)We do not own Harry Potter, General Hospital, or Dunkin Donuts (oooh donuts). We did ask Santa for Harry Potter copyrights, along with a boyfriend, and a pony, and another boyfriend, and a whole bunch more ponies . . .**

A/N: Thanks to PatronSaintofEverythingWierd for the commercial idea!

_Episode Ten: The (Wonderful) Brain Tumor_

Previously on General Hogwarts:

_Lampchop: Thomas!_

_Tom: NOOO!_

_Lily: Severus (again)!_

As James glared at Sirius for making fun of his ability to have an attention span greater thirty seconds, he wondered why Lily had gone back to Severus when she had clearly shown indirect evidence that she had feelings for him in the last episode. Then, what may have been the brightest idea he had in the series so far came to his mind.

"Sirius, you're a bloody genius!" James shrieked.

"Sure! Cool!" exclaimed Sirius, who was not used to such compliments.

"I'll just pretend to have a brain tumor so that Lily will fall in love with me because she'll think I will be going to die soon! Sheer brilliancy!" With that, James ran away from a very pleased-looking Sirius and toward the newly reinstated couple. When he was only a few meters away, he began to roll around on the floor and cry out in pain.

"What are you doing now, Potter?" sighed an irritated Severus, upset about having to be away from his beloved Lily for more than a few moments. Tragic, sympathetic notes started to play. It was a good thing that James "cries of pain" were rather loud, for it would have been very difficult for him to pretend convincingly while trying to figure out the enigmatic origin of the music.

"Oh, the pain! The supreme agony! I- I think someone gave me a- a," he paused, "brain tumor!" Almost immediately, Lily dramatically let go of Severus with a shocked look on her face.

"What! From whom?" questioned Lily, starting to walk over toward James and leaving a seething Severus behind her.

"I- I don't recall exactly . . . all I can remember is the awful grease . . . oh, it was everywhere, I tell you! Ugh, I can't bear to think about it!" At this, James started to sob uncontrollably. Lily placed his head on her lap and began to talk soothingly to him. Severus then gave up and walked away in a huff to the other side of the hall next to Sirius, muttering things like "bloody ferret" and "maniacal laser beams." Sirius was sobbing very hard into his hands for his dear friend (in other words, he was attempting to hold back gales of laughter at actually seeing Lily and James together).

"Lily?" asked James weakly. He tried to unfocus his eyes to match the romantic near-death music, which he was actually thankful for right now.

"Anything for you, James," she said sweetly.

"If for some reason I suddenly and miraculously survive-"

"This week on the Semi-Ancient But Not Quite Dark Ages History Channel, catch the drama!" (Shows a barbarian-type army wearing perfectly matching blue knee-highs.)

"Argh! Kill them!" says the General of Blue Knee-Highs Army.

"Catch the action!" (Shows another barbarian- type army, but this one has green toe socks.)

"Muahahahaha! Slit their socks!" says the General of the Green Toe Socks Army ( The armies run at each other)

"Catch the um, sockshed?" (whispers to woman who wrote the script) "Is that a word?"

"No! Ha ha, I made you look stupid!" says Hannah, the amazing script writer of this commercial.

"THAT'S IT! I QUIT!" ( a small shuffling of papers and other random noises are heard).

"Witness the reenactments of moments that would change the world forever. Gee, I'm doing well, aren't I?" says the Janitor of the building at Hannah and Samdum Productions, Inc. ( the two armies continue to fight, and as bloody socks end up everywhere, the two generals come face to face).

"Finally we meet! Now I shall steal your life, as well as possibly your socks!" shouts the General of the Blue Knee-High Army.

"Not if I take yours first!" replies the General of the Green Toe Socks Army.

"The battle raged on for days and days until only a few lucky survivors remained. The terror of having their socks bloodied and thrown about in all directions permanently scarred these men, and has even carried on into the present day. Watch _The History of Mismatched Socks: From the Very Beginning_ Sunday night at 9/8 central, only on the Semi-Ancient But Not Quite Dark Ages History Channel!" finished the janitor with a great deal of pride.

"If for some reason I suddenly and miraculously survive this - OH MY GOD, THE PAIN- tragic brain tumor, will you be my love interest, Lily, Oh, I can feel death upon me!"

"Lily, dearest! You can obviously tell he's lying!" said Severus, nearly yelling in desperation.

"Shh!" whispered Sirius, watching the scene in front of him intently. He then added in a hushed tone, "Gosh, I wish I was in his place!"

Severus looked confused for a moment, and said, "Um, Black, I thought you said earlier that you were, err, a woman now?"

"_Was_ a woman. It's amazing how fast a reversal sex change operation can take! I mean, in the space of one commercial-"

"Shut it, both of you!" screamed James from where he was on the floor. Nervously glancing up at Lily, he added, "Please continue on with what you were about to say, love." He then put in a few dry coughs to make it seem as if he was sicker than he really was.

"Oh, James! _Of course_ I'll be your love interest!" Looking very smug indeed, James pretended to pass out for a few seconds, causing Lily to let loose a few tears.

"What's up with this?" Severus was now very red and looked as if he might explode any minute. "She never cried for me! If I lay 'dying' like that, she would have moved on to her next boyfriend by now!"

"Oh, Severus! You really don't understand; I think I just had some dirt in my eye." She wiped at her eyes for a moment, and then glanced at Sirius. "You said you were a man again, right?" Just before Sirius was about to reply, James, sensing that his time was running out, shot his head up.

"I'm alive! The pain is gone! The writers have decided that my relationship with Lily shall go on!" Lily, who had not yet been flirting with Sirius too deeply, was still able to, much to James's delight, sway back into his arms.

"Oh, James! Thank goodness!" Lily came in very close to James's face, and he was more than willing to take the next step (use your imagination).

"Shoot!" cried Sirius. "I was hoping that, you know, maybe we could . . . oh well." Before he continued, he could not help but start sobbing hysterically. "Sorry (sniff) I guess all of the estrogen hasn't (sniff) gotten out of my system. I just love happy endings!" Of course, the writers would not dream of letting the soap opera end at that. At this moment, the one person who would have an emotional breakdown at seeing Sirius acting in such a manner walked into the hallway.

"Sirius! You silly _l'actem de gr_â_ce est une sacrifice ritud avec la tarte! _(A/N: Thank you to xXBrokenWingsXx for the random French phrase! If anyone wants to know the exact translation, just message her. I know it has to do with turkey, but I forget the exact meaning.) Err!" Bellatrix had just returned at that moment from gathering a crowd of Death Munchers to see Sirius's moment of pining for Lily. Some of the Death Munchers following her seemed evil enough, but some just seemed to be in a daze because of the open box of Dunkin Donuts she had strapped to her back. "SIRIUS! I have had enough of you, you . . ." Again, Bellatrix tried to remember her lines, and because of her total lack of creativity, the entire cast and crew just stared at each other awkwardly for a few minutes.

James, who wished to continue what he was doing with Lily as soon as possible, shouted out, "Just say 'boogerbrain' and get on with it!"

"Thank you, though you are still British." At Sirius, she sceramed, "BOOGERBRAIN!" Bellatrix seemed very pleased with herself, though she hadn't even thought of the pathetic insult she had used. As the climatic "I love you, but you dumped me, so now I'm going to kill you" music started to play, Bellatrix whipped out her wand. Surprisingly, before she could say a spell (or stand there looking stupid and trying to remember the word), a bright flash of light and a scream of _"Non sequitur!"_ came from one of the open doorways of a conveniently placed classroom. As Bellatrix turned into a rather pudgy looking taco with legs ( the Death Munchers almost stepped on her as she dashed away to retrieve the fallen donuts), someone the characters never expected to see walked into the hallway.


	11. Series Finale I See Dead People

**Disclaimer: No own Harry Potter. If we did, I (Samdum) would actually be related to Sirius Black...Which I'm not...so...SHUT UP! Oh, and I don't own any reference to "The Sixth Sense" (i.e. "I see dead people," etc.), M. Night Shamalan in his glorious gory-ness does. We also do not own Milwaukee or Saskatchewan, and have no desire to. Well, maybe Saskatchewan...**

_Chapter Eleven: Series Finale/I See Dead People_

_(In which there shall not be a commercial break, because it's the two hour season finale special...and because the glorious co-author said so!)_

Previously on General Hogwarts:

_Sirius: Was a woman..._

_Lily: James!_

_(?): Non Sequitur!_

Severus had, for the moment, lost focus on his plans for maniacal laser beams and his loss of his beloved Lily, and stared dreamily down the hall after the taco with legs. He wiped a bit of drool off of his chin.

"Mmm...taco..." Lily snapped her fingers in front of his face. He jumped. "Huh? What now?"

"Helloo! You're supposed to be pining over me and wondering who the person off-stage was!"

"Oh. Right. Who was that mysterious person that turned Bellatrix into a taco?" Severus wondered.

"I dunno," Sirius said mechanically, reading the teleprompter. "'Take out wand.' Oh!" Sirius took out his wand and pointed it at the doorway. "Come out, whoever you are! Or I'll...I'll..." he squinted at the teleprompter again. "I'll curse you into the next century!"

"Why, Sirius, you wouldn't curse your old friend, would you?" the mysterious voice, let's call him Jeff, said.

"Who are you? What do you want?" James demanded. "When can I go back to making out with Lily?" Mysterious music played. "You see! There it is again!"

"It's all in your head, James," Sirius assured him.

"Maybe you two can share a padded cell for being criminally _insane_," Jeff said. They both grew very nervous.

"We-we don't know what you're talking about," Sirius stuttered. "We're not criminals. We didn't kill anyone. R-right, James?"

"Right."

"Oh yes you did. You killed..._me!_" The Mysterious Jeff stepped out of the shadows and turned out to be...not Jeff at all but...Remus Lupin!

"Jeff!" Adoring Friend #3 cried. "You lied to me! You said you were just a disembodied voice!"

"Sirius...it's Remus, come back to haunt us!" James cried, ignoring Adoring Friend #3, whom Lily had batted her eyelashes at.

"Actually, no," Remus said, dropping his air of mystery. "I just wanted to scare you guys." He laughed.

"Well then, if _your_ alive," James said thoughtfully, "then who's down _there_?" He pointed to the set of double doors that opened onto the conveniently placed elevator shaft, which had just conveniently mysteriously reappeared. The dramatic suspense and mystery music played on, very dramatically.

"Oh, you actually got rid of a rather pesky problem for me. You see, that was my twin brother, Romulus. A prophecy was made about us that one of us would found a city. Now I don't have to worry about him, and _I _can get all the glory!" They then heard, for the first time from Remus, evil laughter. James edged away slowly.

"I see." He turned to Sirius and whispered, "Can we throw _him_ down an elevator shaft, too? Just for good measure, I mean. Wouldn't want him stealing Lily, would we?"

"Well, then, who would found the city...or something like that?"

"_We_ could. I mean, we _were_ just like his brother."

"I can hear you, you know," Remus informed them. "Stage whispers aren't very quiet." James turned to him.

"Well, what would you _call_ your city? _Reme_, or something stupid like that?"

"Actually, I was thinking of calling it Milwaukee."

"Oooh, Milwaukee," James and Sirius said in unison, sounding like they were in awe.

"Or maybe Saskatchewan."

"Oooh, Saskatchewan," they said again, in awe. The dramatic climax music came to a close. Black words appeared on the screen in front of them, and they all suddenly couldn't move.

"Why can't I move?" James asked. The black words continued without answering him.

**And thus ends the misadventures of our pubescent heroes, villains, by-standers, et cetera. **("Hee hee, they said _pubescent_," Sirius said immaturely.) **Dark Lord Tom went on to become Lord Voldemort, the evilest and most vile dark wizard of our time. Sirius supposedly blew up a street full of muggles (and one wizard), and was sentenced to life in Azkaban. Severus, of course, became the greasy potions master at our very own Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. James became Lily's permanent love interest and they eventually got married...after James had broken out of an asylum (he'd been committed for the "mysterious dramatic music" insidence). Remus went on to found the city of Milwaukee II (because there was already a Milwaukee, and it was trademarked). Adoring Friend #3 went on to be...Frank. No, not Frank Longbottom. Just Frank. Peter, who eventually figured out the password, did other things stupid, fat people would do...he became a famous dead person. Lambchop went on to make appearances on shows other than her own, while Charlie Horse was left, crying, in her shadow. As for Professor Albus Dumbledore, he was actually dead. Due to James's short attention span and Sirius's temporary short term memory loss that was caused by his second operation, they forgot to blackmail Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore's much less famous brother lived on, pretending to be him. Bellatrix Lestrange was eventually turned back into a human, and went on to lead the Death Munchers (later known as Death Eaters) find Lord Voldemort again. The Wizarding Brodcasting Company thanks you for watching this presentation of General Hogwarts, and asks you to stay tuned for the next daytime drama series, All My Fathers.**

But, of course, this being the epilogue of a series, nobody had much time to read all this, as it was left up there for only thirty seconds, and nobody got past the part about Severus become the greasy potions master.

"So, that's it then?" James asked. "What happens now?" Sirius shrugged.

"We just go on living life like this was normal?" James blinked.

"I guess. But how was this a series? It was only eleven episodes long."

"It's called a _mini_ series, James," Lily said testily. "What I want to know is, why were we stuck in a daytime drama mini series?" If the Mysterious Dramatic Music had existed, it would have played suspenseful, mysterious, climatic, and, yes, dramatic music...in E minor. At that moment that would have been taken up by the music, Professor Slughorn walked in.

"Why are you all just standing around?" he barked. "Why aren't you in class?"

"Because, sir," Lily said sweetly, "we were trapped in a daytime drama."

"You mean...a soap opera?"

"Yes."

"So," Slughorn muttered to himself, "my little plan worked, did it?" He evilly twirled the evil little Snidely Whiplash mustache that had suddenly appeared right below his nose. The camera got a close up of the mustache, then panned out to Slughorn's face. "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" The little circle-y thingy that comes during a screen blackout appeared, closing in on Slughorn's enormously fat, maniacally laughing face. White words appeared on the blackout.

To Be Continued... With _All My Fathers_! Coming Soon!

Then you could hear Peter's voice from behind the blackout.

"Hey guys! I finally figured out the password! Could you believe that it was 'duct tape'? So...what'd I miss?"

-Fin-

Ta da! The end. Thanks very much to our loyal readers and reviewers and to people who have put this on their alert and/or favorites list. Special thanks to the reviewers who have given us commercial ideas (I apologize for not putting a commercial in this one). Happy New Years, even to those who didn't like, review, _or _read this! Look for the sequel, _All My Fathers_, coming soon to a fanfiction site near your mouse, in which Harry tries to discover who his _real_ father is, and where that mysterious dramatic music is coming from...


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